Ceremony

Photo by Magic Fan on Unsplash

I sat in the fresh moments before dawn
and bowed my head before the final darkness
before the birdsong faintly arising
before the universe spread out around me
before the reflection of my soul returned in the last starlight
and asked all of it, all of her
for forgiveness 
I have dishonored you
I have met you, met every day of you, as a merchant
come to barter
to transact
to purchase from you what I need

Nothing arose, except stillness
no voice came to lift my head

My shoulders heavied with what I carried
my neck ached from a weight
I would not put down
my body folded
and laid my head in a lap of grief
that could have been joy

In the space between
this breath
and this breath
between sorrow and guilt
I heard her

Where is your ledger? The tally of your worthiness?
Where have you been keeping score
and calling it me?
Here, I sobbed into the wet pillows of my palms
Show me, she cooed with the mourning dove
It is all in me, of me
it is all written in my body
it is my body
a ledger I have been writing, one transaction at a time
a history of my purchase of your benevolence

The ground beneath me heaved with weeping
the ground beneath me wept

You set the price and you called it God?
Yes
You set the price and you called it me?
Yes
You bound the fullness of my benevolence within a contract
and signed my name?
I thought, I said in timid defense, it was the only way to know you
the only way to receive from you

She began to edge herself into the thinnest line of light
began pulling at the seam between night and day
she began creating a beginning

Look at the horizon
see the sun returning to you
a gift
every morning a gift
always a gift
for you
Look at me,
what you dishonor, you wound

Look at your ink-stained hands
look at the pages of your body
look at the story you have written
look at your wound

Arise
lift your body from the ground beneath you
open the ground
dig out a grave
shed your skin of purchases, of transactions
of everything you thought you had to be to receive
and bury it all within the grave of my body

Arise
and enter into this day
knowing your need of me
and trusting I will meet it
trusting I will heal you
trusting I will
meet you

And I did
I arose
and met her
met myself
without a story
without a price

---

Photo by Todd Trapani on Unsplash

---

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you live with ease.